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Nov 11

A Hole in Your Self | Part 3 – Filling Your SELF With Health

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There are probably many reasons why we gravitate to glop to fill the empty spaces within us. Glop is easy to do and easy to get. It is also symbolic of early salves for our pain. Most glop comes via our mouth (i.e., food, alcohol, drug, sex, cigarettes), similar to our earliest soothing experiences of drinking milk, sucking our thumb or pacifier or putting our toys in our mouth. Sucking and related behaviors were our first coping mechanisms. They bore no consequences. Glopful behaviors do. Therein lies the problem.
Glop, though filling our hole, distracting us from our pain or numbing us into feeling stronger, at best provides temporary results. In addition, in almost all instances the results of glopful behaviors are glopful thoughts and feelings of shame and blame. The latter only widen our already existing hole. It is the literal equivalent of rubbing salt into our wounds. We glop to stop the pain from the hole in our self, only to increase both the size of the hole and the pain flowing from it in a repetitive vicious cycle. Yet, much as we know all this, we just can’t stop.
If we accept the idea that to varying extents all people enter adulthood as wounded warriors, then the answer to this paradox must lie in that complex situation. The warrior, actually our wounded little teen boy/girl parts come with us into adulthood. The adult inherits and takes on the child’s hole and strong sense of being lesser than. Even though the adult may now be very adequate and accomplished, these childhood feelings of inferiority and inadequacy irrationally remain. Not only do they persist, but they do so with a vengeance and a force that defies all understanding. It is in the form, “I know I am…smart, attractive, capable, kind, accomplished, but I feel like such a loser all the time.” This comes as a result of our mind’s architecture. For all its beauty, it has some definite design flaws. Therapy, counseling and coaching processes and many other activities are intended to correct them. This article encourages filling the hole in your self with healthy behaviors, instead of glopful ones.

Step One
The first step is to find sources of healing to make the hole smaller. I have often fantasized about a technique analogous to sutures for holes in our skin. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to sew up the hole in our self to stop the painful oozings and torturous musings? Or to just laser beam it closed. I am still working on it! Meanwhile there are many healing sources available to you.

There are:
Cognitive Healing Psychoanalysis Psychotherapy Counseling
Coaching Support/Therapy Groups On Line Chat Rooms Classes
Videos, Audios, Books, etc.
Experiential Healing Medication Relaxation Exercises Mindfulness Training EMDR
Massage Meditation Warm Baths Soothing Music Visual Imaging Hypnosis, etc.
All of those listed on the left and more offer various ways to work through and resolve historical hurts, gain insight and understanding and strengthen your emotional core that facilitates your healthy adult functioning. It takes some time and patience, but large numbers including myself have reclaimed their selves and their comfortable functioning by participating in one or more of these activities. I may not have realized it at the time, but the psychoanalysis I participated in for my panic disorder in the early 70’s, helped me make peace with my hole digging family experiences, while rescuing me from my quivering child/teen parts and returning me to my adult self. The same growth and health can be yours as well.
The list on the right side offers neurological and physiological healing of various imbalances. They also counterbalance glopful feelings of anxiety and depression. Most address the wounded, hole filled child on the basic sensory level where s/he began. Each offers soothing feelings to counterbalance agitation and pain.
That list at best is partial. As I write this sentence I am sitting in the yard on a sunny, not so hot day. The sky is blue with dots of clouds; the green grass is freshly cut. For me this is a powerfully calming sensory experience. The sun gently warms my face. The birds’ songful chatter is like a lullaby. My mind is active, but my body is at peace. I encourage you to seek and find your peaceful, glopfree spaces. We will illustrate a few more in step four.
Step Two

Healing our historical wounds is one side of the therapy coin. Understanding the origins of our sensitivities that affect us in the present is another. In a three sided coin sense, you can also come to understand how “old news”, contributes to present day problems. Freud called it repetition compulsion. This is our universal tendency to repeat over and over, the unfinished business and hurt areas of our youth.
Taken together you can use this insight and understanding to build emotional muscle. It will enable you to modify distorted and exaggerated beliefs to become more self-affirming, self-enhancing and supportive. This will facilitate your escape from glopfulnesses into more healthful, hole filling experiences.
Step Three
This step asks that you begin to strengthen your healthy Adult Voice of Choice. That is the voice that inhibits the impulse driven, self-defeating, “want/deserve glop right now,” acting out child/teen. To feel good about your self, glopful behaviors and their shame and blame consequences need to be minimized or eliminated. To feel in control, you need to take charge and manage your life protectively and proactively. A solid sense of competence and confidence can not be fully achieved, while engaging in glopful activities or thoughts. It’s just not possible.
Choice is essential to your healthy adaptation to life. Being or feeling stuck immediately triggers the frustrations of your child parts. People rebel from unreasonable and unfair demands placed on them by others. Yet, those very same people, can impose the most unreasonable, unhealthy and unfair demands on themselves. All compulsive/addictive glopful habits are made of this paradox.
Healthy, adults avoid temptations of all kinds by making healthy choices most of the time. In the bagel vs. banana breakfast bowl, you need the banana to win 80% of the time. In the battle between cigarettes, pain pill abuse or cocaine use, you need the healthy self-protective adult voice of choice to win 100% of the time.
Given the powerful influence of the child/teen based voices, it takes effort to strengthen your adult voice. Here are some tools that help you achieve that:

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